Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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