you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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