my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
