After last night, I could never be a politician.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
