I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
