ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
