Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I deserve this hangover.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
