Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
