What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We got so high we made milksteak
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm at about main and main street
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
