I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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