so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
