Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize