My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
