I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
