EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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