Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
