I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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