He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just googled if crying burns calories
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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