So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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