oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
