What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
