my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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