His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
