You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
