The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
