So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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