When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
