Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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