I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
