he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
