Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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