if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Non-Jews are for practice
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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