Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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