If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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