cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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