My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
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