don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
