If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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