I am puke
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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