By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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