Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
