sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
