Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
