She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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