actually, I'm a sock model
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
