I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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