who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
