Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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