someone threw a dead crab at me
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
dude. I can hear the air.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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