It's like God shit irony all over that family
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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