I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize