It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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