i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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