Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
