Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize