And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
