Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
